Pages

Friday, August 26, 2011

Conflicted

Well, ConGen is over and that’s good, I guess but I am feeling very conflicted right now.

I jumped into ConGen and put everything else on the back burner and that’s not working as well as I thought. I am behind with pretty much everything including this blog but most importantly I feel really bad about abandoning the kids. They are home with my mom and she’s doing her best but they miss me and their Daddy terribly. It’s not going to get better for a while because it seems like I may actually get into Hindi. I am really excited about that but at the same time dreading it a little because it means that both Paul and I will be at school every work day for seven months starting Sept. 6.

It’s what every working parent has to deal with, I know, and I’ve been there before but it doesn’t make it any easier. Our daughter is starved for attention and misbehaving and our son looks so lost and sad when we leave each morning. I’ve spent the last several days trying to give the kids my time and attention and do the fun things I wasn’t able to do with them when I was at school and I am just exhausted. And I have just two kids. I don’t know how the people with more kids do it…

I am also trying to get caught up with everything else before Hindi starts but my head is one big jumble that looks/feels like this:

Wordle 
Needless to say, I am not much fun to be around right now. 
 

6 comments:

  1. Oh I so know what your saying girl, it's really hard isn't it? There is no real right or wrong, just the pain in your gut that pulls you in different directions. The only way I guess I cope with it at this point is in knowing that what I am doing is going to be good for me and my daughter in the long run. Mommy will have a good paying job that she loves, which will rub off on her (hopefully), and eventually my daughter will grow up knowing what a women can do with her life. They miss you for sure, but your so lucky to have your mom there who you know is loving the crap out of them! They will not grow up scarred because you went off for a time to further yourself. Don't know about you, but my memory doesn't even go back to my teenage years. (of course, that is probably self inflicted. ;-) Your good, keep pushin, lean when you have to and enjoy the time in between with all your heart. Miss you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know exactly how you feel. I can't tell you how many times Andy and I have had the conversation, "Okay, if we take him off DNC and he gets into the next A100 class, I could quit and stay home with Flynn..." It's not what I really want in the long-term, of course, but it's so hard in the short-term to leave him every day, especially to 11- or 12-hour workdays. If you figure out a way to make it easier, please share. =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. ((Daniela)) I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I find it is especially hard on working moms when our kids are really young. Working moms feel guilty because we have to leave our children in the hands of others as we head out the door, while stay-at-home moms feel guilty that maybe they aren't setting a good example. Either way, the hallmark of mothers is that we all feel guilty about something! I think the only thing we can do is try our best, make the choices that feel right for us and our situations, and try not to second guess those decisions once they've been made. I'll see you on the 6th for language training! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Another mom who knows where you are coming from. I hope you can find peace with your decision- I really believe in happy mom, happy kids, so if studying Hindi is what you want to do, then try to leave the guilt behind and just know that the kids will adjust, after a bit of time. I firmly believe that it is good for kids to be cared for and loved by others- their time with your mom will create a lasting bond. And also, if you're going to work in consular, language training is a nice way to ease into it- the hours are good and you can be home at the hour you decide. Good luck and hugs.

    ReplyDelete

 
Locations of visitors to this page